My life was changed today at Panera Bread.

My brother, Rei, and I are sitting in a booth directly next to customer traffic. Rei begins telling me of this creepy zombie dream he had last night when a red-haired lady walks up right next to our table and just stands there obviously eave's dropping.

Annoyed, Rei weaves her into his dream by mentioning loudly that there was, "...this ugly RED-HAIRED lady that started eating all the zombies..."

I lost it.

Then this large man walks up behind her and follows suit - you could see him leaning in to hear our conversation. Boom, you're in the story too pal.

Rei: "Then this HUGE guy came out of no where and punched the RED-HEAD in the face." He heard us.

So now we're both dying of laughter when immediately to our left we witness this middle-aged woman SMASH her face into one of the hanging lights at Panera. The collision made a noise that convinced me whole-heartedly that her head was made of fine brass.

Exactly 30 seconds later another old woman drops like 15 quarters and bends over RIGHT in my face; I accidentally laughed audibly into her butt -- awkward.

And that is my Panera Meltdown; I literally almost threw up from laughing so hard.

The YMCA - it is a fertile ground for physical discpline in the community. Such disciplines would include sculpting and crafting your body into a desired form of anatomical art. Others would be the discipline to not look down while a certain clothing-impaired old man strikes up small talk in the locker room. Take a guess which discipline I exercised earlier this afternoon - you guessed it, the second one.

...You know, I really want to go on and somehow transform this traumatic blog into some kind of deep, spiritual truth. But I really can't. And in fact, I think it's much more amusing to leave it at that and allow such mental images to sink in for further comedic effect.

The moral of today's story is this: eye contact is everything. Just don't let your eyes contact anything below the waist. Goodnight.